Becoming an Aussie Citizen

published 17 May 2005

By Johnny Shapiro

What does Australia expect of its new citizens? Would-be Aussie Johnny Shapiro gives Crikey readers a South African perspective on becoming an Australian citizen:

Advance Australia Fair...

Today is a significant day in my life. I am officially eligible to incorporate as an Australian entity ie. become a citizen of Australia. I have been notified by e-mail that my formal interview will take place on June 10th, by which time I should be aware of my responsibilities and privileges as an Australian citizen.

Lucky I've got over a month to learn them. Being the diligent applicant that I am, I've already come up with a handy anagram to help me remember my duties – DOSE – Defend Obey, Serve, and Enrol.

The first one “defend” has given me second thoughts – I am required to defend Australia – should the need arise. It means that if we're under attack, I would be expected, as part of an agreement with the state and in exchange for the privileges granted to me, to help fight off any external threats to the nation. Holy shit... I don't want to die for Australia – all I want is a passport, and the right to live and work here, and maybe running water. None of those are worth more than my life, well to me at least.

What if Australia is threatened? Suppose the mighty southern forces of New Zealand become antagonised about the quantity of sheep jokes directed at them and decide to launch a surprise attack on Port Botany? By virtue of my location in an urbanely renewed apartment – I'll be right there on the front line! I'll have to thwart the kiwi insurgency through Alexandria towards the airport and hold the strategic Surry Hill. But how? I have no military training; I'm shit scared of Maori warriors, they'll beat the crap out of me without knowing I was in their way.

I'm a lover, not a fighter – although the demographics of Surry Hills could make me the only thing preventing New Zealand Armed forces from reaching the CBD. They can have it. If we are attacked I'm putting on an All Backs jersey, a thick accent and crawling into a deep hole. Let's hope we stay friends with New Zealand and continue to allow their people to visit and claim unemployment benefits. Maybe it's all part of a plan to nullify the threat from the land of the short sharp vowel. I'll have to lie about promising to defend Australia, and hope that the Pacific and Indian Oceans, and our good terms with our neighbours continue to serve us well.

Okay so I won't defend Australia (unless its from the Solomon Islands) – but I guess I will have to “Enrol”. Enrol requires me to vote. Australia is a remarkable democracy that in the process of being democratic your civil liberties are abhorrently violated ... It's illegal not to vote – you have no right to not have a right. If you don't you get fined. If you're a motorist you are likely to get fined for waking up in the morning, but being docked wages for not giving a shit about politics is a tad harsh in my book.

The task is made more cumbersome by the fact that there is no one to vote for – my only viable choices are the right wing liberals – or the leftie labours, who does the middle of the road “corporates-are-evil-but-workers-are-lazy” vote for? I can't vote for the greens because with all the oxygen I inhale and all the Carbon dioxide I exhale, I'll feel like a hypocrite, and that's the only alternative I can think of.

Hopefully by the time I do have to cast a ballot there will be something worth voting for – I think Australia is more likely to be invaded by New Zealand.

“Obey” – I've got to obey Australia's laws and be a good citizen. That's the hardest one so far. I'm not doing so well as a resident. Australia was built by criminals and enforcement officers have been kind enough to make me feel very welcome. I am within 1 point of losing my license, and been fined over $800 in under a year of driving. Granted they were for deadly offences such as failing to buckle-up, not parking rear to kerb, and using a mobile phone while steering, but still – I've got to eat.

Perhaps I am being too sarcastic; I did attempt to pull off a ridiculous manoeuvre last July on a Sydney road and ploughed into another car, causing severe damage to both cars and my insurance premium. Woops. Sorry. My punishment ... 2 points and $60 fine. The traffic officer that saw me putting on my seat belt by Bondi beach must have known how light my punishment was when he docked half my license points and $240. I can obey from now I guess; I won t be able to afford my bus fare if I don't.

Finally I have to Serve, that's serving on jury duty if I am requested. As far as I know it means that at any time during my stay in Australia I could receive a call up to attend court and listen to evidence. This I have to do and failure will, I assume, make me liable for another hefty fine. I can't pay anymore fines – otherwise I will no longer be classified as a component of 'other' in the finance minister's revenue pie chart.

Hopefully I'll get a gory murder case or there'll be an attractive female in the jury that I can talk to about the legal system and politics, and wether or not Mrs Peterson did it with a candlestick in the library.

I used to only be a South African citizen, that was much easier, as long as you didn't wave the new flag before the old one was canned, or wave the old one when they made a new one – you were alright. “Defend” applied to your possessions, “Serve” applied to those who lived in the backyard of the house, “Obey” was optional and “Enrol” was as alien a concept as “legal system”.

So barring the reasonably likely event of my interview not going to plan, I'll be an Australian soon. I'll let you know how that goes.